Thursday, February 7

Dear Diary

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was a round. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY:I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny witch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I d on't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!


ShabbyInTheCity said...

The laughing I just did has to count for like 100 crunches on an incline!!! Priceless :)
Especially the teeth brushing part LOL!

Sandi McBride said...

first the beach kat tried to kill me with comedy and all I can say is et tu brute'? I haven't laughed this hard in so long that I'm not sure it's good for me. 911 is going to get tired of sending the squad out here to pick my ass up off the floor. So y'all stop it now!

Mrs. G. said...

This is hysterical. Thank you for the wonderful laughs, now I need to go so I can go watch several hours of Weather Channel and pretend to do sit-ups.

Janet said...

This is why I am just going to stay overweight and out of shape, LOL. I got this in an e-mail but with a Greek God personal trainer. I think I like Belinda better (she's easier to hate).


Susie Q said...

Does laughter count as exercise?? If so, I just did my workout for the next 5 days. You are a huge hoot!!

I guess I will always be outta shape and tubby because this is just too much work! *laugh*

Have a sweet weekend...and make tons of money!


Cathy ~ Tadpoles and Teacups said...

Man, oh, man I feel your pain. Well not literally, it's been years since I even saw the inside of a gym. Whoever said "No pain, no gain" must have been the owner of a gym.
Good luck at the yard sale.

Anonymous said...

Funny, funny, funny!!! You never cease to amaze me!

Tonya said...

I was actually Laughing Out Loud at this, you are too funny gal. But at least you made it through the whole week, if I tried that you would be reading a funeral announcement on the second day. Thanks for the laughs.

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